Giving Up for Lent


Psalms 62:5-6

I have always given up something during Lent.  It has never been something truly deep - soda, coffee, cookies, etc.  It was always something that I could reach out and hold and if I slipped up, I would just move on and pretend like it did not happen.  This year, I wanted to do something different.  I wanted to give up something that would not only make me healthier, but also make me closer to God.  It is a new season for me - one of finding what He wants for me rather than what I want for myself.  I attribute this new season to our fertility specialist because, for the first time in forever (yes, Disney reference right there), I have true hope that we are on the right path and we are going to be parents soon.

 So...what did I give up this Lenten season?  I gave up negative self-talk -- aka my inner critic.  For me, my inner critic sounds a lot like two people depending on the situation.  The first is my mom.  For those of you who have not met her, she is a very negative person who is hypercritical of everyone and everything.  Do not get me wrong, I love my mom.  I just grew up being around negativity because she set ridiculously high standards that are not possible by anyone to meet and when we fell short, we heard about it.  The second voice is that of my first fiance.  It may sound weird to some of you because I have been with Brandon for nearly 13 years now, which means it has been at least 15 since I was with Nathan.  However, the verbal and emotional abuse I took on a daily basis from him have had a lasting impact on my psyche.  Hence why he still has a "voice" in my life.  

 Here are the steps I have been taking since embarking on this self-challenge:

 1.  Give the two inner critics a nickname so that I can call them out.  Mom's voice = Jeanie.  Nate's voice = Natey Watey.  As you can see, my mom's nickname is nothing unusual, it was actually a nickname she was called growing up.  I made Nate's nickname funny because I am over him still having a way to creep in and it makes me laugh when I say it.

 2.  Catch my critic.  I cannot even begin to work on changing my negative self-talk if I cannot recognize when it is happening.  So I am learning this.  This is where I am and I cannot guarantee that in the 40 days of Lent that I will be anywhere near where I want to be in regard to this.  But...it's a start.  And I have caught myself a few times...On. My. Own.  Now, this is not to say that Brandon has not called me out a couple of times for being negative.  It's a process.

 3.  Negative...Positive Thoughts.  Each time I catch myself being negative, I replace it with a positive.  For example, I have rosacea, which is annoying.  I have people tell me all the time when my face is red - "you feeling ok?", "you were out in the sun too long", etc.  Nope, I just have this wonderful thing that flares up from time to time.  Not only that but it does cause my face to turn a deeper red when I laugh or get embarrassed.  It also gets a little brighter when I do get a sunburn.  It was acting up the other day and my usual negative comments came flaring up (Natey Watey).  I caught myself and then told myself that it is just a reaction and I cannot control it.  Though that may not sound peppy like some expect when I say negative out, positive in...it truly did help quiet that critic down.  Because I cannot control my rosacea...yes, there are medications that can help keep it more under control, but I do not need them.  My rosacea is one more level of my uniqueness.

 4.  Last but not least...Thoughts ≠ Reality.  This ties into Step #3, but it's true.  I do not value myself...I think I am ugly more days than not.  I find blemishes and exacerbate them (think Kelly Kapowski when she had the zit on her nose).  But those are just thoughts.  I sat in front of a mirror in our bedroom while Brandon was gone last week and just looked at me.  And, of course, God spoke to me by bringing me a song as He always does when I need it.  

 Jeremy Camp's "Christ in Me" came to mind and I realized that what I look at in the mirror is material and will fade, but what is inside of me matters more.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-1Wtrnt-rc&feature=youtu.be)

 I have a long way to go.  Years and years of doubt, low self-esteem, lacking confidence will be brought up by those inner critics, but I know that with Him, I have all I need and am more than the shell people see.

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