National Infertility Awareness Week and a Rough Day
Post Warning: This post has been deemed TMI, but I need to write it down. Stop reading if you don't like dealing with the AF.
I'm a few days late, but it's here: National Infertility Awareness Week. Until recently, I didn't even know this week existed. But now, I know and I'm part of this week. In honor of that, here is a symbol that I find meaningful during this time. I'm too scared to post it as my Facebook profile picture because I don't know that I want the whole world yet to know that we are in this boat. It's hard enough as it is...
Last night was a rough one for me. I had found out at work that my Daddy's oldest brother was in the hospital for possible renal failure. I didn't handle it well, as I'm not ready to have to say "See you soon" to uncles/aunts, yet I know he is 78 years old and it's a possibility any time. I was dealing with that. I'm also dealing with reproductive issues -- aside from the "normal" infertility issues.
Back in September, I had a delayed period. My Granddad had passed a couple of days before the start of my new cycle, so I figured it was delayed because of stress, which has happened before. I didn't think anything of it. October was another slight delay and light cycle, but I was still processing family things and trying to take on too much to help my Mom and aunts. November was when it really started getting weird for me. I had a week of spotting. That week was never "new", but rather "old" stuff. I decided that as I was nearing the end of the second week of this that it was time to call the doctor. I was brought in, but the NP only had this to say: "Well, we can put you on birth control to regulate it, but since you're trying to have a family, that doesn't seem like a good option. As long as you're bleeding, even if it's old and faint, that's something. Also, you really need to work on your weight. That will help." First of all, I know that I need to work on my weight...I don't live under a rock. I'm trying to do it the right way and it's tough and slow-going at times, but by golly, I'm doing better than I was. Second, NO BIRTH CONTROL. NOT AN OPTION AT ALL. Third, that's it? That's all you think to try? But what did I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
December...I was five days late, so Day 40 was the start of my new cycle. IT. WAS. ABSOLUTE. HORROR. I bled. It was seven days of nothing but red for me. AF was definitely paying me back that month. I thought it would be back to my normal after that month of utter heck.
January, again five days late. But it was light and faint. I didn't need any feminine products. Okay, write it down and see about February. If it happens again, call the doctor.
February...Five days increased to seven days late...A week of old and faint spotting...A week of new and faint bleeding. Wrote it all down. Didn't call the doctor.
March...Five days late. Same as February. Didn't call the doctor again.
April comes. I finally schedule my appointment with the RE. I call my regular female doctor to schedule my well woman's/PAP appointment. My body has different plans for me. I started five days late once again with old and faint spotting for a week. Easter weekend comes and I finally think it's actually going to hit me. Well, let me just say this much, I'm on the seventeenth day of bleeding red or pink. 17 days, no joke. I called my doctor's office last night, leaving a message on the nurse's line. I wasn't happy. I am scheduled at 9 am tomorrow and have heard nothing. I basically went off and said that there is something more than just a birth control or deal with it...I want answers. It's 2 pm...I have yet to hear from them letting me know if I should find someone here to help me or what. Frustration has definitely set in. I get that the office I go to has a lot of patients and has recently gone through some major staffing changes. I understand I'm not one of the "elite" who are coming in with a growing life in their bellies. However, I AM a patient there with true concerns and don't deserve to be shoved off to the side and disregarded. The what ifs are now rolling through my head...what if I was pregnant and I miscarried causing this, even though it's not heavy heavy? What if I have fibroids or polyps or cysts? What if...what if...what if...
So, on top of all that, I broke down last night. I still couldn't fully explain why it hurts so much to my husband. I tried, but I'm not good at relaying deep emotions to people easily. I know a little of this is jealousy, but that isn't all of it and that seems to be what he thinks is my real problem. I know he's trying to understand, but I just caved. I couldn't explain more because it doesn't make sense to me either, but I was so done with trying to get him to understand that I just stopped talking and cried. He hugged me and held onto me, which is more than others would do, but I just don't know that he will ever understand the frustration and worry and sorrow and sadness I deal with.
To all who have suffered or are suffering or will suffer in the future, I pass along some hope, even though I sometimes feel like there is none.
I'm a few days late, but it's here: National Infertility Awareness Week. Until recently, I didn't even know this week existed. But now, I know and I'm part of this week. In honor of that, here is a symbol that I find meaningful during this time. I'm too scared to post it as my Facebook profile picture because I don't know that I want the whole world yet to know that we are in this boat. It's hard enough as it is...
Last night was a rough one for me. I had found out at work that my Daddy's oldest brother was in the hospital for possible renal failure. I didn't handle it well, as I'm not ready to have to say "See you soon" to uncles/aunts, yet I know he is 78 years old and it's a possibility any time. I was dealing with that. I'm also dealing with reproductive issues -- aside from the "normal" infertility issues.
Back in September, I had a delayed period. My Granddad had passed a couple of days before the start of my new cycle, so I figured it was delayed because of stress, which has happened before. I didn't think anything of it. October was another slight delay and light cycle, but I was still processing family things and trying to take on too much to help my Mom and aunts. November was when it really started getting weird for me. I had a week of spotting. That week was never "new", but rather "old" stuff. I decided that as I was nearing the end of the second week of this that it was time to call the doctor. I was brought in, but the NP only had this to say: "Well, we can put you on birth control to regulate it, but since you're trying to have a family, that doesn't seem like a good option. As long as you're bleeding, even if it's old and faint, that's something. Also, you really need to work on your weight. That will help." First of all, I know that I need to work on my weight...I don't live under a rock. I'm trying to do it the right way and it's tough and slow-going at times, but by golly, I'm doing better than I was. Second, NO BIRTH CONTROL. NOT AN OPTION AT ALL. Third, that's it? That's all you think to try? But what did I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
December...I was five days late, so Day 40 was the start of my new cycle. IT. WAS. ABSOLUTE. HORROR. I bled. It was seven days of nothing but red for me. AF was definitely paying me back that month. I thought it would be back to my normal after that month of utter heck.
January, again five days late. But it was light and faint. I didn't need any feminine products. Okay, write it down and see about February. If it happens again, call the doctor.
February...Five days increased to seven days late...A week of old and faint spotting...A week of new and faint bleeding. Wrote it all down. Didn't call the doctor.
March...Five days late. Same as February. Didn't call the doctor again.
April comes. I finally schedule my appointment with the RE. I call my regular female doctor to schedule my well woman's/PAP appointment. My body has different plans for me. I started five days late once again with old and faint spotting for a week. Easter weekend comes and I finally think it's actually going to hit me. Well, let me just say this much, I'm on the seventeenth day of bleeding red or pink. 17 days, no joke. I called my doctor's office last night, leaving a message on the nurse's line. I wasn't happy. I am scheduled at 9 am tomorrow and have heard nothing. I basically went off and said that there is something more than just a birth control or deal with it...I want answers. It's 2 pm...I have yet to hear from them letting me know if I should find someone here to help me or what. Frustration has definitely set in. I get that the office I go to has a lot of patients and has recently gone through some major staffing changes. I understand I'm not one of the "elite" who are coming in with a growing life in their bellies. However, I AM a patient there with true concerns and don't deserve to be shoved off to the side and disregarded. The what ifs are now rolling through my head...what if I was pregnant and I miscarried causing this, even though it's not heavy heavy? What if I have fibroids or polyps or cysts? What if...what if...what if...
So, on top of all that, I broke down last night. I still couldn't fully explain why it hurts so much to my husband. I tried, but I'm not good at relaying deep emotions to people easily. I know a little of this is jealousy, but that isn't all of it and that seems to be what he thinks is my real problem. I know he's trying to understand, but I just caved. I couldn't explain more because it doesn't make sense to me either, but I was so done with trying to get him to understand that I just stopped talking and cried. He hugged me and held onto me, which is more than others would do, but I just don't know that he will ever understand the frustration and worry and sorrow and sadness I deal with.
To all who have suffered or are suffering or will suffer in the future, I pass along some hope, even though I sometimes feel like there is none.
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