Searching for Hope in the Midst of a Struggle

I have been struggling the past few days.

It's as simple as that...I've been struggling.

From seeing pregnant people who definitely take for granted being blessed...to holding a little baby...to things just pointing that direction...I am a mess.

Sunday afternoon, as we were saying bye to our besties, Heather told me she wanted to pray over me. None of us four left that living room without tears in our eyes. I spent Sunday night bawling in the shower...Frustration and sadness were consuming me in that moment.

Last night, I was taking a bath...which is rare for me because I'm not much of a bath person...and as I tried relaxing, I was perusing Facebook. A good friend, who has been struggling as well, made a very vague comment about God being so good and there were questions and such about her being pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, I am more than happy for them if that is the case. I know that they have been struggling as well, but it doesn't make it any easier for those of us in the corner shouting desperately for our own turn. I cried, once again, in the shower last night.

When I got out, I realized that I was losing myself to the enemy in this again. I was beginning to blame God for overlooking us. I was screaming at Him because I don't want to be just a "mom" to any of Brandon's students or just an "aunt" to friends who are like family. I cried...a lot. Kai (our cat) didn't know what was going on, but he is a snuggler when he senses something is wrong, so he curled up next to me. I cried while I prayed...

I prayed for peace.

I prayed for guidance.

I prayed for forgiveness.

I prayed for a chance...


These two items are tucked away in my pillowcase.  Brandon doesn't know I have them there yet. I'm not sure I'm ready to explain or show him. But these two items will remain there until our chance comes. Our chance for a family of our own flesh-and-blood...our chance for a family that we can and will raise in God's house...our chance to be parents.  A good friend, who completely understands this struggle we are going through, calls this hope...Well, hope is what I'm searching for most right now.

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