My Goliath(s)

Sometimes God will put a Goliath in your life, for you to find the David in you:

I have often contemplated why I have had some of the experiences I have had. I grew up in a privileged house with a working Dad and stay-at-home Mom. I wasn't required to get and maintain a job throughout high school. I didn't have to pay for my car, my insurance, or my gas. I got an allowance every month until I graduated high school without being expected to do chores, though they were encouraged. I pushed myself in school to be in tougher classes and pass with As. I participated in Student Council, National Honor Society, band, choir, French Club, etc. I went to my local community college, where I stayed just as busy as I had in high school and took tough courses. Things were great...on the outside.

Inside...well...that was a whole different story. Goliath existed while I was growing up - familial expectations. Darren was the prized grandson to my Mom's parents. They loved us all, but he was the at the top peak looking down at the rest of us (in their eyes, not his). For me, growing up, Goliath was the mountain to be up at the top with Darren. Hence the activities and tough courses. I was disappointed when I got a 21 on my ACT both times I took it. That was no where near Darren's, which were in the 30s. So I strove to keep my GPA as high as possible and fought to keep myself on the highest of honor rolls possible. I learned additional instruments on my own. I stayed busy. That mountain, over time, stopped looking so large and the peak not so out of reach. 

I love Darren. He is my little brother basically. Yes, he is intelligent. He has known since he was five that he wanted to be an optometrist - and that's what he is. But I am not Darren. I am Amanda. I don't need to be in competition with my family. I was and am loved by my family regardless of the medals, the honors, the pats on the back. My David moment hit me after I took the GRE at the beginning of the month. My unofficial scores revealed not-so-great numbers. I cried on my drive home. I screamed out that I was never going to be good enough to be Darren. Then it hit me...my David moment...I'm Amanda. I'm intelligent. I'm not a good test taker. And. There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. That. My family is proud of me. I work hard. And I will struggle to be a perfectionist, but God knows my heart and he reminded me on that drive that I am His. (<-- this, by the way, is the first time I have ever audibly heard God speak to me)

There are other Goliaths I have faced. Some I have found my inner David. Some I am still working on. (If I wrote about them all, I'd be here forever.) God knows my heart. God knows me. And He is working in me to face these mountains. This includes our infertility. As difficult as it is for me...as tough as it is to watch my husband suffer...this Goliath will also be defeated. I just have to let it go to Him. I'm human. I can only do so much. But my heart...my heart has to be His 100%. 

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