Deaf....The Girl Who THOUGHT She Couldn't Hear God

I have often been heard saying that I feel "deaf" when it comes to hearing God speak to me or seeing Him do work in my life. I have, many times over, admitted to yelling at God in the midst of crying. I have also admitted to feeling overlooked...especially in regard to our infertility.

Sunday School brought something to the forefront that our group, among countless other discussions previously, the different ways God communicates directly with us. Ultimately, I know people (well, one for sure) who hear God audibly speak to them. As I stated in a previous post, I have heard Him audibly once in my life. So that route isn't the way He communicates with me. My husband is one who experiences God's direct communications in the form of dreams. Some hear Him through scripture. Some hear Him in countless other ways. Me, nothing. I'm "deaf".

Our pastor was gone yesterday, so we had a member of the church give the message. Amy's message was about trust and where we plant our "roots". Her message impacted me in so many ways. Things I struggle with daily were brought to light in another way that I needed to hear. One statement Amy made was that we are often so busy surviving that we miss the blessings God is pouring down to us. How true is this...seriously....

At 2 this morning, I was awake. My cold is kicking in hard core, so sleeping propped up is easier on the couch than in bed. I moved downstairs and laid awake for a bit. In that wee hour of the morning, I was thinking about the discussion from Sunday School and pieces of Amy's message. The long-time belief that I am "deaf" to God isn't true. I realized this morning that I hear Him through worship music...how many times have I been in the midst of a struggle when either a song pops in my head that fits what I'm needing or I push play on Amazon music and the perfect song filters out the speakers?  He does speak to me...

Fast forward to this morning at work and one of the Proverbs 31 daily devotions attracts my attention. Adequately titled to my current realization, "In Case You Were Wondering -- God Knows," is about all of this combined into one large message. It is like Tracie wrote this post out of my own heart. So, below, I will let her words fill in what is going through my heart.

“The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry;” Psalm 34:15 (NIV)

For months, I prayed the same prayers, yet they seemed to go unanswered.

So each time I spoke to God, I made sure He hadn’t forgotten by reminding Him constantly of my needs and desires. I felt He had a right to know I was still anxiously waiting for Him to act and that honestly, I was getting a little annoyed at His seeming lack of swift action and attention.

Have mercy.

As I laid my head to rest one night after yet another exhausting, discouraging day, I finally asked the questions we all may be secretly tempted to ask when our circumstances don’t improve and our problems keep piling up: “Do You see me, Lord? Do You even hear what I’m saying? Do You know what’s happening?”Then moments later, I drifted off to sleep.

A few hours into the quiet darkness of the night, I abruptly awoke. There were no loud creepy sounds coming from another room and no startling thunder or lightning outside that would have interrupted my sleep. Total silence — except for a persistent musical rhythm dancing through my mind.

I recognized the tune but hadn’t heard it in quite some time, so it took my sleepy mind a couple minutes to figure it out. When the lyrics of the song finally came flowing into my mind, tears filled my eyes. The song title? “He knows,” by Jeremy Camp.

“He knows, every hurt and every sting; He has walked the suffering. Let your burdens come undone. Lift your eyes up to the One who knows. He knows.”

God had gently pulled me out of a deep sleep because He had something simple, yet so important, to tell me: He does see me … hear my prayers … and care. And above all, He knows.

My heart quickened at the thought of hearing from my heavenly Father in such a sweet and gentle way. In the midst of running the universe, God saw fit to remind me that just because Ididn’t yet know how He was at work in my situations, didn’t mean He didn’t know exactly what was happening.

As the sun began to rise, I reached for my Bible and looked for verses about God’s attentiveness to our lives. I came across today’s key verse that reminds us: Even when we think God isn’t watching, He sees us. When we think He isn’t listening, He hears our prayers.

Scripture tells us, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight” (Hebrews 4:13, NIV). There isn’t a day or a tear that God doesn’t know about. He sees whatever we’re going though … and He knows.

God’s Word also reassures us the Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help (Psalm 34:17). God knows every prayer spoken, and He hears the cries of our hearts.

The struggle to believe God sees us often signifies a problem within our hearts, not His heart for us. And yet, doubts don’t make us broken believers, just broken people living in a world where things break our hearts — and God’s.

But there’s no greater joy than seeing throughout Scripture that the Creator of the universe deeply cares about what we’re going through. Hope and peace can be ours when we believe that in God’s timing and in His ways, He will answer.

This late-night encounter with God helped me refocus on my faith and remember although He may not have answered my prayers, I can trust He knows.

If you’ve ever wondered if God cares about what you’re going through, take comfort today in letting yourself believe He does.

Lord, help me remember You not only know what is happening in my life, but You have a plan. Fill me with peace and the ability to trust You as I wait. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I think what is healing me most right in this moment is that statement she makes about being broken. "The struggle to believe God sees us often signifies a problem within our hearts, not His heart for us. And yet, doubts don't make us broken believers, just broken people living in a world where things break our hearts -- and God's." Oh, such words...I admit to being broken, but it is always reassuring to hear that He breaks alongside each of our woes as well, because He has a heart for each of us.

God knows Brandon and I want a family of our own. God knows I am struggling hardcore with this process and He knows Brandon's struggles with it as well. I know that I will still have days of brokenness...I will still cry...I will still beg and plead with Him in my prayers...I'm human, after all. But how wonderful is it to really and truly know that my God sees me...hears my prayers...knows? 

The teacher is always quiet during the test...but it doesn't mean that He doesn't see and know and cry alongside me.