It is what it is...

"It is what it is..."

That was all I could say as tears threatened to break from my eyes.  It was in response to her "We have Bradley and that's good enough for us, but I am sorry you have to deal with this."  She didn't seem so compassionate in that moment as I sat in the living room across from her.  She didn't seem so sympathetic to my pain or understanding of my disease.  I wanted to say more.  I wanted to tell her that it wasn't okay to tell me that they don't need another grandchild.  Yet, I couldn't.  Honestly, my one statement and excusing myself from the room should have been enough.  Whether or not she knew it, those words I spoke, said everything I think multiple times over.  They spoke my feelings and what I was experiencing.  My heartache? My struggle?  The constant reminders of what I want but can't seem to have yet?  It is what it is...

It is heartbreaking...dream shattering...life altering.

It is faith-shaking....fear raising...soul crushing.

It is praying and praying and praying until the words don't come any longer.

It's tears...sobs...groans.

It is making plans...changing them...and surrendering them all over again.

It is seeking for answers that never seem to come.

It is avoiding the baby aisles at Walmart because the wonders of when become the wonders of why.

It is shaking your fist at God one moment, then begging for his mercy and a miracle the next.

It is feeling like an outcast...a failure...no one understands.

It is looking at Facebook to see announcement after announcement.  Hiding every single one because you feel jealous...envious. Then you feel bad for the crazy emotions that overtake you. Yet, you feel overlooked and alone - as if your prayers are going unnoticed or getting lost in the mix.

It is feeling as though this is going on because you won't be a good mother.

It is waiting....appointments...needles...medications.

It is trying to remain hopeful but maintaining some realistic notions.

It is feeling unworthy.  Because maybe your faith is too weak...prayers are not enough...past too damning.

It is harboring anger, bitterness, and despair...and feeling horrible for that.

It is frustrating.

But...it's not going to win. 



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