How I Handled the Hardest Day of My Life



National Infertility Awareness Week - Sadie

 Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week.  I changed my Facebook profile photo and added one of the borders, not to get comments or likes, but just to honor this week and all of us that suffer from infertility.  I began working on this post last week, as part of a series I'm working on for a teen girl's ministry I'll be starting up in the fall.  I finally finished it this afternoon, so I'm sharing it on here as well.

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It was the summer of 2017.  I had just found out a month prior that I was pregnant with our first child.  Something that we both had been wanting for years and finally after five years of infertility (tests, needles, medicines, diet changes), we were going to be parents.  I could not have been more excited.  We took pictures.  We laughed.  We got strict about certain things -- Brandon's biggest was that there was to be no cell phone anywhere near my belly.  A month had passed since we had found out.  Then I started having spots.  Sports turned into more.  On a Wednesday night, the Wednesday of VBS, I was laying on a bed in the emergency room waiting on bloodwork, urinalysis, and sonogram results.  The worst words I never thought nor wanted to hear came out of the doctor's mouth.  

 "Unfortunately, there was no heartbeat found."

 I was crushed and in pain.  The next day, I hurt and cried tears that I did not know where they were coming from.  I lost the baby that afternoon.  The moment we were dreading came and our little baby, our first, was in heaven before we could even meet him.  For the next few days I cried and curled up in physical pain.  I yelled in my prayers.  I was broken.

 Faced with a Choice

 In the days, weeks, and months that followed, I was faced with a choice.  I could pour out my heart to God, cling to His promises, and trust in Him for healing.  Or I could grow bitter and angry.

 Even though there are days that the bitterness wants to settle in, I choose to trust in God.  I choose to believe that His ways are perfect and that He was using all things -- including my baby'd death -- for my good and His glory.

 Though my feelings often tell me otherwise, I choose to hold on to promises from God's Word like this one:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Questions like:
- Why did he have to die?
- Why did You allow me to get pregnant if You knew he was going to die?
- Why did You answer our prayers by giving us a baby?
- Why does this have to be so painful?

Despite my questions, feelings of sorrow, and confusion over the whys, I learned three very important truths.

Truth #1: Trusting in God is a choice, not a feeling.

In the wake of our baby's death, I learned that I have to choose to trust God despite how I feel.  It's easy to trust in Him when life is going the way we ant it to, but when life is hard...trusting in Him is so much more difficult.

I'll be honest, I still struggle with this.  I have to constantly remind myself to choose to trust in Him and His Word despite how I feel.

I bet you've heard this familiar verse.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6

God will direct our paths and show us His plan for our lives if we fully and completely trust in Him.

Truth #2: God is always there for me.

Through this situation I learned that God will never leave me.  He is always there and will bring peace and comfort if we choose to cling to Him.  Even though my heart was (and still is) breaking, God gave me incredible amounts of peace and comfort.  I felt so confident that God was working in the situation and that He was very present in my life and my husband's during this time.

The Bible says, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

God never changes.  He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He will strengthen and help you if you choose to trust in Him.

Truth #3: God will strengthen you for the hard stuff.

The next time you are going through a hard situation, remember that God is sovereign and loves you so much.  He desires for you to trust in Him and find peace in His promises.  He wants to offer you the strength to make it through those hard times.
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