I Can't

I can't.

Two words.  One huge impact.

Since our vacation at Table Rock Lake began, those two words have come out of my mouth more than I wish they had.  Granted, they were not without a certain someone telling me to get rid of them altogether in my vocabulary and my mindset.  Here are three cases of recent times when these two small words came out of my mouth.

Before I begin, though, with these cases, let me just include the following as a little background for the first two...I am not a strong swimmer.  In fact, my swimming ability is pretty close to level zero.  I took swimming lessons when I was little, but after a near-drowning incident at a young age, it was like my brain lost all of that training and took me back to nothing.  I am notorious for plugging my nose to go underwater.  I hate jumping in unless I can plug my nose.  I pretty much just float around or tread water when I'm in it.  Now, in saying this, keep in mind that I don't mind being out on a boat for a bit or visiting lakes or other bodies of water.  I just get a little spooked when I cannot see the bottom of whatever body of water I am in.

Case #1 of the "I Can'ts": Rope Swingin'

The Tuesday of vacation, we rented a ski boat from our resort.  I went out with a few of the others, not intending on getting off the boat unless it was just to get cooled off for a short bit.  We pulled up to a rope swing that we came across and I was content to sit in the boat and watch the others, who were -in my opinion- crazy enough to try it.  In my head I told myself those infamous words - "I can't."  After all, I have hardly any upper body strength to hold myself up and swing out...and I can't -see, twice in one thought!- possibly hold the rope swing, let go, and have enough time to plug my nose so that I don't drown.  As I chuckled at others' attempts and jumps, I realized I was holding myself back because of a silly fear.  And the only way to overcome a fear is to conquer it head-in.  So I put on my life jacket - yep, not even going to attempt that without one - and jumped in the water leaving, quite possibly,  my sanity behind on the boat.  I managed to climb up the rocks, a feat in and of itself as I am a clutz on dry land, to get to the rope swing.  Though I'm sure Brandon thought he was going to have to rescue me, I listened to him and stepped down to a spot a little closer to the water.  I swung out.  I let go.  I plugged my nose. I made it.  (And for those wondering, I barely had the upper body strength, let alone the hand grip, to hold myself up long enough to get far enough away from the rocky death beneath me.  I guess my American Ninja Warrior dreams are not going to happen anytime soon.)

Case #2 of the "I Can'ts": Jumpin' off a Cliff

On Wednesday, all of us went out on the pontoon.  It was fun to cruise around the lake, even though my good intentions of staying under the shade to keep my already-burnt shoulders and back protected wound up not happening as often due to the crazy water splashes that hit my locations.  After lunch, we went out to locate some cliffs.  Most of the others were excited to find cliffs to jump or dive off of.  Me...as you can guess...not so much.  Again, I had already decided that I would just jump in from the boat to cool off and that would be enough for me.  As we set the anchor down and hung our orange "flag," we jumped in to cool off.  Many of the group took off for the rocks to find an easy way up and see where they jump in from without hitting anything too close.  As the first few people jumped, I told myself that "I can't do that."  Once again, I was letting my fear take control of my mind.

Without even realizing what I was doing, I 'swam' over to the rocks and hoisted myself out of the water.  This time, I really had to be careful while walking up for a bit because it was slippery (did I mention I'm a clutz?).  I moved up to the rock.  I waited for Hannah to jump.  I was nervous and looked out over the edge at where I needed to go.  I realized that the nerves were real and just about turned back.  I looked up, trying to find Brandon, not able to see him as he had swum under the boat.  With the help of the others, he came out and I can only imagine the shock of seeing me about to do something I normally run away from.

See that face?  Yep, Stacey caught it perfect;y.  That look shows exactly what was going through my mind at that exact moment.  Just as I was about to turn to walk back down, I jumped.  I didn't think about it because if I kept standing there shaking my hands and giving everyone the above look, I would have backed out.

Did I jump in from a high cliff?  Nope, not at all.  But to me, in that precise moment, that cliff might as well have been ten feet above the water.  But...I did it.

Case #3 of the "I Can'ts": Solo Time

Saturday night, a worship band I'm in had a performance in a town 15 minutes away from Pratt.  At this particular performance, I was the only girl singing backup, but that doesn't bother me.  I sing melody along with our lead.  (I have trouble consistently finding harmonies that don't end up matching Brandon's if I don't have sheet music in front of me.)  One of the songs that Building 429 sings is 'Press On' and we sometimes sing that.  As we got closer to the song, I got more nervous.  In some of our performances, I have sung the second verse as a solo.  Now, I'm not Brandon.  Yes, I have a musical background and still love playing my instruments and singing, but there is a reason I did not major in music and why I changed instruments every semester to complete the hours I needed for individual instruction (lessons) for my music minor.  I don't like singing or playing in front of people.  "I can't do this."  Yep, those pesky words came back out again, even with one of the band members sitting next to me telling me I had it.

As we began singing the song, I backed off the chorus before my verse because I knew I needed to have a mini (and quick) pep talk with myself.  I looked out at the people watching and realized that I am no in this group to impress the people in the crowd. Nor am I there to impress the people in the group - though that is always nice to feel like I fit in with them. I am there to worship my Lord and Savior.  So if I squeak a little or mess up, it'll be ok.  I also told myself that I'm perfectly capable of singing this out and well because God would not have given me the ability to sing for me to just hide behind everyone else.  So as I started singing my verse, I felt calm.  The "I can't" from seconds before melted away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday morning, Scott's message was about Jesus as the vine.  I clung to his message once again, but it was near the end that it truly hit me and I felt the Spirit working in me.  As the day went on, I recognized that I have spent too long trying to control things; hence, the "I can'ts" in my life.  When in everything I do, everything I say should be in His control.

So what exactly did Scott say that hit me so?

"When we say "I can't"...Jesus says, "I know, but I can."

I didn't die or injure myself rope swinging or cliff jumping because He was right there with me.  He knew my fears about water and all of the emotions I was feeling and was with me when I stepped away from the rocks.  My voice didn't crack and I didn't embarrass myself during my solo because He was there with me listening to my heart and not my voice.

"'If you can'?" said Jesus.  "Everything is possible for one who believes." ~Mark 9:23

Though I know that I will have other times when those two words will escape my lips or enter my mind - I'm human afterall - I know that He is with me and with Him I can do anything.

"I can do all things through him who gives me strength." ~Philippians 4:13