While I Wait
The past few days I have been looking at the power of forgiving ourselves and being vulnerable with God. I needed to take a step away from that for a brief moment and write this post...I was hesitant when I walked back into my office. I knew the Spirit was pushing me to be transparent and open, but I was trying to fight back. So here it goes...
Today is twin day at the high school for homecoming week. Brandon and a student (who I will not name on here) dressed up and in the photo I noticed Brandon had shaved his beard off to a soul patch and mustache. Now, I have watched him each year shave down to nothing and then let it grow back. I like him with the beard. He knows that. Do I give him a hard time when it comes off? Absolutely. This morning was no different, as he shaved it when I was not home or even aware he was planning to. For me, it was not so much that he did something I'd rather him never do again...it was actually just the shock that I didn't know ahead of time and felt ambushed by the change. *Not good with change - mark that on the "List of Things Manda Needs to Work On".* Anyway, the real issue didn't even come from that. I laughed it off - wouldn't look at him when he came home, closed my eyes when he did ask me to turn toward him - things like that. No big deal. What came from this is the realization of how the enemy has weaseled his way back into a sensitive place in my heart -- jealousy.
Brandon has done an amazing job since July at working on his health and losing weight. Do I think he shouldn't go too much further down on the scale? Yes, I think with his frame and such, where he is at is wonderful and he can work on muscle definition rather than weight loss. Am I proud of him for the hard work and effort he has put into this journey? Absotively posolutely! (I'll give a high five to anyone who can name the movie that phrase came from.)
But I would be absolutely lying with everyone and myself if I didn't admit that it sometimes hurts to hear how many people comment on his appearance - whether it is out loud or via comments on a Facebook picture. It doesn't hurt because I'm not getting that same attention. I want that to be known. It hurts because I am jealous at how he has lost so much and I'm barely hanging on to what little I have lost. The enemy knows this about me - I still fight low self-esteem all the time. I look at photos of Brandon prior to the weight loss and now. He never looked bad to me...I have always found him attractive. But it is blatantly obvious that he has worked at this. Me? I look at those pictures and still see that girl staring back rather than the one who may not have lost the amount that Brandon has, but has been working on it. So, every time I hear someone else comment on his appearance, rather than just being happy for him working so hard, I get jealous and sometimes find that the enemy has even slipped in enough to have me saying it out loud.
Now, before I get the lecture from someone about the physiological differences between males and females and how it's easier for them to lose weight quicker....I already know this. My issue stems from years of beating myself up, for the years of being picked on because I was a little pudgy compared to my friends, for the years of being a "trophy" while I battled a secret eating disorder. Believe it or not, I have come a long way since then, but I still struggle.
Since our couples' weight challenge began last semester, I have lost 25 pounds. That isn't anything to feel bad about or run away from. That is a big deal for me. I found out I don't have PCOS, so my mindset is going through a shift right now because you begin to believe what surrounds a diagnosis - which for that, it's tougher to lose weight. Since our return from KC at Christmas, I have spent more days than not at the gym getting in cardio and a weight routine to tone and develop some muscles. I'm at a disadvantage at the moment because of bursitis in my shoulder, so legs and cardio for a few days only. BUT, what I forget when the enemy is trying to sneak in is what I am doing to work on it, even if it takes me double what it did for Brandon. I didn't just wake up after Christmas and kick my own butt into gear...I prayed about it for days. For strength to push through the obstacles...for confidence that I will see what He sees in me rather than on me...and for patience during the wait.
And, as you know, God speaks to me through music and this song is what He used today to get me to realize what I was not wanting to fess up to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NswPPVgMaPE&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR3Tsmme3R7p5LCFkAPX7SJMmCE0gxkGtZsXsg1rWjmakxHog1KZ4FOws08
Today is twin day at the high school for homecoming week. Brandon and a student (who I will not name on here) dressed up and in the photo I noticed Brandon had shaved his beard off to a soul patch and mustache. Now, I have watched him each year shave down to nothing and then let it grow back. I like him with the beard. He knows that. Do I give him a hard time when it comes off? Absolutely. This morning was no different, as he shaved it when I was not home or even aware he was planning to. For me, it was not so much that he did something I'd rather him never do again...it was actually just the shock that I didn't know ahead of time and felt ambushed by the change. *Not good with change - mark that on the "List of Things Manda Needs to Work On".* Anyway, the real issue didn't even come from that. I laughed it off - wouldn't look at him when he came home, closed my eyes when he did ask me to turn toward him - things like that. No big deal. What came from this is the realization of how the enemy has weaseled his way back into a sensitive place in my heart -- jealousy.
Brandon has done an amazing job since July at working on his health and losing weight. Do I think he shouldn't go too much further down on the scale? Yes, I think with his frame and such, where he is at is wonderful and he can work on muscle definition rather than weight loss. Am I proud of him for the hard work and effort he has put into this journey? Absotively posolutely! (I'll give a high five to anyone who can name the movie that phrase came from.)
But I would be absolutely lying with everyone and myself if I didn't admit that it sometimes hurts to hear how many people comment on his appearance - whether it is out loud or via comments on a Facebook picture. It doesn't hurt because I'm not getting that same attention. I want that to be known. It hurts because I am jealous at how he has lost so much and I'm barely hanging on to what little I have lost. The enemy knows this about me - I still fight low self-esteem all the time. I look at photos of Brandon prior to the weight loss and now. He never looked bad to me...I have always found him attractive. But it is blatantly obvious that he has worked at this. Me? I look at those pictures and still see that girl staring back rather than the one who may not have lost the amount that Brandon has, but has been working on it. So, every time I hear someone else comment on his appearance, rather than just being happy for him working so hard, I get jealous and sometimes find that the enemy has even slipped in enough to have me saying it out loud.
Now, before I get the lecture from someone about the physiological differences between males and females and how it's easier for them to lose weight quicker....I already know this. My issue stems from years of beating myself up, for the years of being picked on because I was a little pudgy compared to my friends, for the years of being a "trophy" while I battled a secret eating disorder. Believe it or not, I have come a long way since then, but I still struggle.
Since our couples' weight challenge began last semester, I have lost 25 pounds. That isn't anything to feel bad about or run away from. That is a big deal for me. I found out I don't have PCOS, so my mindset is going through a shift right now because you begin to believe what surrounds a diagnosis - which for that, it's tougher to lose weight. Since our return from KC at Christmas, I have spent more days than not at the gym getting in cardio and a weight routine to tone and develop some muscles. I'm at a disadvantage at the moment because of bursitis in my shoulder, so legs and cardio for a few days only. BUT, what I forget when the enemy is trying to sneak in is what I am doing to work on it, even if it takes me double what it did for Brandon. I didn't just wake up after Christmas and kick my own butt into gear...I prayed about it for days. For strength to push through the obstacles...for confidence that I will see what He sees in me rather than on me...and for patience during the wait.
And, as you know, God speaks to me through music and this song is what He used today to get me to realize what I was not wanting to fess up to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NswPPVgMaPE&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR3Tsmme3R7p5LCFkAPX7SJMmCE0gxkGtZsXsg1rWjmakxHog1KZ4FOws08
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