The Long Journey to Get Here
As I sit in my office for one of my last days for the next couple of months, I cannot help but look back over the past almost nine months. Ever since we found out we were pregnant in May, it has been very difficult for me to write anything down or even form the right words to express how I had been/am feeling. It may have been partially out of the disbelief that this was really happening. Or it may have been out the disbelief that one treatment with the specialist worked and not having to do multiple treatments. Or it may have been as simple as this big of a blessing fought for for so long took every word I could even think to write completely out of my head.
Here are a few of the reflections that I have had over the past couple of days from our journey:
~Early on, I spent countless days or nights waiting for the moment when I woke up from this surreal blessing to find it was only a dream.
~I spent my graduation with my Master's degree knowing that I was a Mommy.
~I spent the first 12 weeks (well, 8 from when we found out) in mostly quiet eagerness and anticipation of the day we could finally share with the whole world and not just the small numbers who knew.
~I spent an entire week during the summer not wanting to speak even a single word about it for fear of a repeat from two years ago.
~With each passing day, I have stared down at my slowly disappearing feet in awe of a growing belly. FYI: I haven't seen my feet when standing in a while now. :)
~I have actually, physically cried in front of a server and friends/family at not being able to have queso at El Dos only to have my amazing hubby laugh in my face. Do not be upset with him when you read that -- it was absolutely a ridiculous thing to cry over and I soon cracked up at myself when I saw him laughing at me.
~Just as I cried over queso, I have cried over a few other ridiculous things that we cannot even remember at this point.
~I stared in disbelief as we finished painting a room that I was beginning to feel would remain the same for years.
~I have laughed and gone all giddy when our little man began moving. It is even more hilarious when he hits just the right spot, causing a nerve to make me jump uncontrollably.
~I have been complimented by so many, including my hubby, about how I have just carried him well and look beautiful. I am not one who buys compliments easily, so there were times I had to remember that the words people were saying were good and it was okay to feel good that they were sharing that with me.
~I have had moments of panic and questioning if I will be a good Mommy. Sometimes those moments of panic felt like complete and utter terror of being a screw up.
~I spent countless moments staring at different brands, types, styles, etc. before pressing the "Add to Registry" button.
~I was blessed with three different baby showers that reminded me how many people have been invested and along for this journey with us.
~Now we sit in anticipation of his arrival. One that I know I will have pain beyond anything I have experienced before, but knowing that I will make it through and so will he.
And just to journal this next part for future memories - although I doubt I will ever forget...
First Trimester -- I was not fortunate enough to completely escape morning sickness, but I definitely would have hung my head over the toilet each and every day all day if I had to. We traveled to Chicago for a mini-vacation and Cubs game, then I dropped Brandon off at the airport to fly to Anchorage to see his sister and family for a couple of days while I stayed home unable to fly per doctor's orders. We got to announce to the world that we were expecting as we entered our second trimester (Dodger was so cute!).
Second Trimester -- I was one of the "lucky" ones to develop carpal tunnel -- yep, that is actually a possible symptom for some, who knew? I also began getting heartburn quite frequently and realize I should have invested in Tums stock. :) We had a datecation with Sean and Bri to Colorado Springs to cheer Brandon on in his first Spartan race. School and my first year as a professional counselor began.
Third Trimester -- Still have carpal tunnel and heartburn. More often than not, my ankles have been swollen and things slowly began to feel uncomfortable in certain positions. We took our final mini-getaway just the two of us to St. Louis to see "Dear Evan Hansen". This trimester was also filled with many moments shared between Brandon and me in realization that we have spent 13 years total together and it has always been just the two of us (not counting our fur babies, of course)...and that that was coming to an end. Though we are so excited, it is also a little bit of a grieving process for us.
The past two weeks were spent with both of us on Winter Break from work. As time grew closer to both of us being back at work, our anticipation began to rise. Although, I will include that Brandon has been that way for a little while now. I have loved every moment of this pregnancy and though I, for so long, was not ready for our little man to enter the world just yet...can now say that he can come anytime now.
As I write this, we have an appointment on Thursday morning to get checked. If we are not progressing, I will spend that night in a bed on the family birthing suite floor prepping for an induction that will come on Friday morning. If I am progressing, even a bit, I'll be in a bed getting induced to speed it up on Friday morning. Moments of utter terror at giving birth pop in ever so briefly, but as I remember the tremendous blessing that will be waiting for me at the end of it, I know we will be held in His arms throughout the entire thing. I am so blessed to know that God chose Brandon and me to be Naise's Mommy and Daddy. This journey, that seemed like a lifetime in itself, was not without tears, anger, hurt, frustration, jealousy. It was not without begging to get a chance. It was not without so many prayers being sent up by people other than Brandon and me. For all of you who walked the road with us, thank you!
Here is to the next chapter in our marriage entitled "Parenthood." During my time away from work, I hope to pick back up with writing a bit more - and I'll do my best not to make everything about Naise. No promises though. ;)
Here are a few of the reflections that I have had over the past couple of days from our journey:
~Early on, I spent countless days or nights waiting for the moment when I woke up from this surreal blessing to find it was only a dream.
~I spent my graduation with my Master's degree knowing that I was a Mommy.
~I spent the first 12 weeks (well, 8 from when we found out) in mostly quiet eagerness and anticipation of the day we could finally share with the whole world and not just the small numbers who knew.
~I spent an entire week during the summer not wanting to speak even a single word about it for fear of a repeat from two years ago.
~With each passing day, I have stared down at my slowly disappearing feet in awe of a growing belly. FYI: I haven't seen my feet when standing in a while now. :)
~I have actually, physically cried in front of a server and friends/family at not being able to have queso at El Dos only to have my amazing hubby laugh in my face. Do not be upset with him when you read that -- it was absolutely a ridiculous thing to cry over and I soon cracked up at myself when I saw him laughing at me.
~Just as I cried over queso, I have cried over a few other ridiculous things that we cannot even remember at this point.
~I stared in disbelief as we finished painting a room that I was beginning to feel would remain the same for years.
~I have laughed and gone all giddy when our little man began moving. It is even more hilarious when he hits just the right spot, causing a nerve to make me jump uncontrollably.
~I have been complimented by so many, including my hubby, about how I have just carried him well and look beautiful. I am not one who buys compliments easily, so there were times I had to remember that the words people were saying were good and it was okay to feel good that they were sharing that with me.
~I have had moments of panic and questioning if I will be a good Mommy. Sometimes those moments of panic felt like complete and utter terror of being a screw up.
~I spent countless moments staring at different brands, types, styles, etc. before pressing the "Add to Registry" button.
~I was blessed with three different baby showers that reminded me how many people have been invested and along for this journey with us.
~Now we sit in anticipation of his arrival. One that I know I will have pain beyond anything I have experienced before, but knowing that I will make it through and so will he.
And just to journal this next part for future memories - although I doubt I will ever forget...
First Trimester -- I was not fortunate enough to completely escape morning sickness, but I definitely would have hung my head over the toilet each and every day all day if I had to. We traveled to Chicago for a mini-vacation and Cubs game, then I dropped Brandon off at the airport to fly to Anchorage to see his sister and family for a couple of days while I stayed home unable to fly per doctor's orders. We got to announce to the world that we were expecting as we entered our second trimester (Dodger was so cute!).
Second Trimester -- I was one of the "lucky" ones to develop carpal tunnel -- yep, that is actually a possible symptom for some, who knew? I also began getting heartburn quite frequently and realize I should have invested in Tums stock. :) We had a datecation with Sean and Bri to Colorado Springs to cheer Brandon on in his first Spartan race. School and my first year as a professional counselor began.
Third Trimester -- Still have carpal tunnel and heartburn. More often than not, my ankles have been swollen and things slowly began to feel uncomfortable in certain positions. We took our final mini-getaway just the two of us to St. Louis to see "Dear Evan Hansen". This trimester was also filled with many moments shared between Brandon and me in realization that we have spent 13 years total together and it has always been just the two of us (not counting our fur babies, of course)...and that that was coming to an end. Though we are so excited, it is also a little bit of a grieving process for us.
The past two weeks were spent with both of us on Winter Break from work. As time grew closer to both of us being back at work, our anticipation began to rise. Although, I will include that Brandon has been that way for a little while now. I have loved every moment of this pregnancy and though I, for so long, was not ready for our little man to enter the world just yet...can now say that he can come anytime now.
As I write this, we have an appointment on Thursday morning to get checked. If we are not progressing, I will spend that night in a bed on the family birthing suite floor prepping for an induction that will come on Friday morning. If I am progressing, even a bit, I'll be in a bed getting induced to speed it up on Friday morning. Moments of utter terror at giving birth pop in ever so briefly, but as I remember the tremendous blessing that will be waiting for me at the end of it, I know we will be held in His arms throughout the entire thing. I am so blessed to know that God chose Brandon and me to be Naise's Mommy and Daddy. This journey, that seemed like a lifetime in itself, was not without tears, anger, hurt, frustration, jealousy. It was not without begging to get a chance. It was not without so many prayers being sent up by people other than Brandon and me. For all of you who walked the road with us, thank you!
Here is to the next chapter in our marriage entitled "Parenthood." During my time away from work, I hope to pick back up with writing a bit more - and I'll do my best not to make everything about Naise. No promises though. ;)
Comments
Post a Comment