The Power of the Moment

I am so thankful that he warned me so I was prepared with Kleenex when he started talking. Brandon proceeded to share our infertility with our church family during the praise and thanksgiving service. Some already knew our story, but not everyone. The drive behind him finally sharing - not just our story, but his anger and frustrations with God - came from our Revival a week ago. 

As the final service of Revival came to a close, we approached Rob, the speaker of the Revival, and asked that he pray with us. Now, I have only seen Brandon cry once prior to that prayer time - when I had to tell him that Cado died at the vet's office. That night, I saw my husband be truly unguarded on the subject. Rob encouraged us to share our story...not just because there are other families who have also experienced infertility or maybe some that will someday, but because the frustration, the anger, the hurt are very real to many people for many reasons. Brandon had already talked to Scott about sharing, but I was unaware it was going to be yesterday.

Brandon began talking and the Kleenex was already out of the box before he finished his first sentence. It has been such a long and difficult road for the both of us. He shared that he gets angry and frustrated seeing me hurt so much. He gets angry and hurt when all we want more than anything is to bring a child of God into this world...a chance to be the parents we know we are capable of being because we have God on our side. As he finished talking, voice shaky, we asked our family to come lay hands on us and pray with us. 

I was bawling at this point, a steady stream of tears that seemed never-ending. Everyone came up to us...everyone. What an overwhelming feeling to know that so many people care. Brandon and I stood together, one arm wrapped around another. All I can say is I know Scott prayed...I know Stacey stood next to me with her arm supporting my other side...Janet was behind us, holding my hand...Betty was holding my other arm...Eric on Brandon's other side. Such a powerful moment... 

About halfway through our time in prayer, I remember a deep sense of calm. The tears stopped flowing - well, for a short bit. I heard and felt my husband crying. As the prayer concluded and we made our way back up to worship some more, Janet gave me a deep hug and told me she loved me. Service concluded. Hugs came from many people. Words of affection, encouragement, and letting us know that prayers would continue to be said for us came rushing in. I was also encouraged by a "vision" Amy shared with me...she hadn't wanted to tell us until we were pregnant, but she felt that sharing now was best. During the Revival, at Friday's service, she said she had this sense of me being pregnant...in God's time of course, but...it was overwhelming to hear and it took everything I had not to burst into another long string of tears.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the battle that I forget who I have fighting with me...my husband. The man who is always my strength and comfort. The man who has held me when I've had the heartbreak of another negative test...the news of another high schooler being pregnant...the news of friends or family being pregnant. I knew he struggled with the battle like I did, just a different struggle. But, I never realized that in all that time he was being strong for me...he needed someone to be strong for him too. 

I know that until we see a big positive on the small window of a pregnancy test, I will struggle. This battle is hard. This battle kicks you when you are already feeling like a failure. But, I am going to try to remember that my husband needs my strength just as much as I need his.

To our Church Family...none of you will know how much yesterday morning meant to us. It is so comforting to know that we are not alone in this battle. We have the love and grace of an amazing Father. We also have the love and support of an amazing group of people - some of you who have been right where we are standing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.